Evidence has emerged suggesting that Adolf Hitler, the leader of Germany and the Nazi party during World War 2, was an avid player of violent video games which, suggests Daily Mail scientist and investigator Richard McMoron, led to his violent personality and likely drove him to commit genocide.
“It seems that Hitler’s maliciousness started early when he was given a copy of the Sims as a child.” claims McMoron. “He enjoyed locking virtual people in dark rooms without food, water or toilets. When the social worker arrived to take away babies from his torture chambers he simply deleted her from existence using ‘move_objects on’, a power he would forever try to apply to real life.”
“We believe that Hitler was a great fan of the Zelda games because of the rather aryan utopia they provided. It’s obvious, all the main characters are blonde and the people that aren’t white are evil. From this it’s pretty clear that the Fuhrer thought all jews were Ganondorf. There’s also evidence to suggest that Mussolini played Super Mario, enjoying it for its realistic depiction of superhero Italians. As we all know, Nintendo was founded by Hirohito who produced games for his friends in the Reich.”
“Hitler was an angry individual and now we know why. Video games are to blame. The popular scene depicted in the movie Downfall shows the dictator let loose on the rest of his team after a failed game of DOTA. We believe the claims that he randomed Meepo in said game, which would therefore justify his rage, are false. These games cause aggression and we can prove it just as soon we find some evidence that doesn’t keep suggesting the opposite.”
“MillIons of impressionable, young children play these games.” says worried social worker Jenny Knowlittle. “We don’t need hard evidence to prove that these things are poisoning their minds! Some murderers play games. Isn’t that evidence enough?”
It would seem that the leaders of the Axis weren’t the only dictators to enjoy these games. “Josef Stalin played World of Goo.”, says McMoron. “He claimed that it was a game of cooperation when really it was all about the lucky few achieving happiness by stepping over the corpses of thousands.
“A long time fan of Call of Duty, Chairman Mao hated art. He had copies of Dear Esther and Braid shot.”
“Kim Jong Il played a lot of Defcon.”
“It’s believed that Pol Pot developed his taste for Agrarian Socialism from Animal Crossing and it was after playing Farmville that Bin Laden developed his immense distaste for Western Capitalism. Though, in his defence, who among us can’t say that we didn’t feel like slaughtering thousands of innocent civilians after playing that game?”
However, perhaps these games aren’t all that bad. Prestigious psychologist Harold Cleverman at Cambridge University believes that some of McMoron’s data may be incorrect or even falsified. His research suggests that the likes of Mahatma Gandhi, Malcolm X and Jesus Christ himself played and enjoyed video games. “Abraham Lincoln wasn’t averse to sending hordes of Zerglings to their virtual deaths and he was the one that freed the slaves!”, says Cleverman. “What you do in a game doesn’t really affect who you are. Just look at Emeline Pankhurst. Who knew she’d be at the top of the leaderboards in Gears of War 3, the manliest, most homoerotic, jingoistic game there is?”