Spiders: Why we should all be absolutely terrified!

WARNING: People with arachnophobia do not read!

In a world where we apparently live in the best living standards possible, why on earth must we be subjected to the horror of spiders? More specifically, the new “fake black widow spider” which have been branded as “deadly” by local press.


It has been reported that the beasts have been noticed by local gardeners in the south west, and one case of a bite left a poor man with a swollen hand that had turned “yellow and black”.

Well, it looks like I’m never going in my garden again. Ever.

I hope nobody thinks that I’m un-manly because of my irrational fear of these monsters. After all there’s nothing feminine about admitting the fact that spiders are terrifying – especially ones that are the cause of horror stories such as these.

But never fear because according to scientists they only bite when they feel threatened. Is this supposed to comfort me? What if I threaten one by accident? What if I’m walking along and I accidentally crumple one of its legs? Will it try and murder me?

Ok, I think I’m going to need a moment to regain my composure before continuing. Right, I think I’m alright now.

I haven’t always been afraid of spiders; on the contrary I’ve even tried being civil with them by doing nice things like helping them get out from the bottom of bathtubs and letting them escape back into the garden before being my squished by my mum. I hope that this will get me in their good books and they seek other prey before moving on to me.

Actually if you think about it they may be on my side after all, they do kill flies. And I hate flies. Yes, me and the spiders could work in harmony – us both working together to defeat the annoying flies.

Now that I have thought about it and realised that we are in the same boat, I rather like the little fellas. In fact, there’s one right now. Hey there Mr Spider, how’s it going— Ouch! It bit me!

If this article has scared you too much, then don’t worry; it would be fair to say that I was rather over-exaggerating. Here’s a more factual – and probably more rational – article from The Independant to put your mind at ease: http://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/home-news/killer-spiders-on-the-loose–or-not-a-guide-to-the-really-quite-harmless-false-widow-8887040.html


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