Warning: This News Smash article contains high levels of satire. Please do not read if you have an irony deficiency.
On Tuesday the 6th of November Barrack Obama defeated Mitt Romney and secured himself another four years of stress, abuse and potential assassination.
Many are saying that the Republicans lost because they failed to gain the ‘essential Hispanic vote’. They’re not giving up yet though, they have a plan to earn favour from the minorities that previously couldn’t get past the inherent intense prejudice and hate that tends to emanate from the party.
“What these people don’t realise”, says Republican congressman Taggart McKillstuff, “is that, unlike those heathen Democrats, we believe in freedom. The freedom to worship the lord Jesus at whichever mosque or synagogue we feel like, the freedom to shoot people who seek to steal our hard-earned silverware from our hard-earned, inherited mansions and the freedom to love our wives, all ten of them.
We believe that if there were a candidate that these people could relate to then maybe we could more easily convince them to abandon all their values by joining us. We were originally going to elect a dog, America’s most under-represented minority, but we thought better of it. We’ve devised a plan to create our own candidate, taking everything that makes Americans great, and mixing it with the stuff that those pseudo-Americans like, using genetic modification to engineer the perfect person, just as the baby Jesus intended.”
Amid accusations that the Republican party is abandoning its values, such as their previous stance on abortion and genetic engineering, to earn people’s favour McKillstuff laughs and says “What are you? A hippy! We’re trying to win. That’s what matters.”
“It’s coming along very well.”, says Billy Playgod, the lead scientist working on the program. “We’ve already got past our early teething problems. For some reason the early prototypes, when presented with ludicrously vast quantities of unearned wealth would try to use it to help vagrants on the street get back their lost lives and sick children who were too lazy to pay for their own life-saving operations. Those failures have been incinerated now. Our latest batch looks very promising. My favourite, Sarah Reagan, performs very well in science lessons. She saw through all of the trick questions, successfully answering ‘God did it’ to every problem. She can also hit a failed experiment at 500 yards with a Desert Eagle, ‘training for when we get invaded by those god-damned A-rabs’ she says.” Playgod pauses and stares up at the ceiling in pride, sighing. “The Hispanic community would love her,”, he continues, “she’s got that essential dark skin and we’ve grafted a sombrero onto her head for good measure.” Allegations have been made against Playgod and his team claiming that the DNA used is not actually Hispanic but Native American, to which Playgod replied ‘Close enough. They’re all the same anyway.”
It’s certainly going to be an interesting 2016 for the United States, especially amid rumours that the Democrats plan to put forward the reanimated, half-cyborg corpse of Jesus Christ as their candidate following Obama’s second term. It’s impossible to tell how it will go down, but what we can be sure of is that whoever wins, we lose.
*The picture of the test-tube was taken from this location:http://justuskids.com.au/blog/wp-content/uploads/2010/09/testube.jpg