Government aim to push students with new, ‘tougher’, deathmatch-style exams

An artist’s impression of what the events may look like

The Government today announced a shake-up to the GCSE system that will replace the modular system with a single end-of-course fight to the death.

Pupils who begin secondary school this year will take part in the new program at the end of Year 11.

Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg promised that the changes would “give parents confidence” in the exams taken by their children. “We want parents to feel safe in the knowledge that their children are taking part in exams that truly test them. We felt that the current GCSEs were too easy so we’ve come up with a reform that will really test the ingenuity, resolve, strength and intelligence of the pupils.”

We asked Mr Clegg what made them come to the conclusion that the exams were too easy. “Simple. We just took the exams ourselves and found that we blazed through them.” said the Cambridge graduate.

On the subject of the reform Conservative Education Secretary Michael Gove had this to say “It just makes sense. Surely if you try harder you deserve to succeed. We don’t want a namby-pamby society where everyone gets A*s for getting their name right. We want to honour those with the capacity to do well. Our new program rewards the committed with the skills they will need to survive in the world of employment, as well as granting them the world’s best reward, life. Anyone can succeed if they try.”

When asked what this would mean for children with innate disadvantages such as disabilities Mr Gove replied “Hard working parents can help their children with their schooling. Children can attend Private academies that will help them when they come to the ‘end-of-course confrontation’, these academies provide the children with the extra knowledge and skills they need to succeed, also machine guns.”

When Labour’s shadow education secretary, Stephen Twigg called the scheme unfair, saying that ‘it separates the lucky and the unlucky even more than the 11+ exams of the past’ Gove replied “Nonsense! Anyone can excel, whatever their background. All they need is courage, heart and money.”

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